Floating Ghost

This is going to sound weird. This may be a very short blog post. Try to stay with me. You might relate... or not, which is okay too.

Sometimes I feel like I do not exist. If you know me really well as a person, you will know that I think in strange ways and that my mind is sometimes very...abstract. I feel like I float around in my own body. I float around outside of my body. You know, when you watch those weird sci-fi and time-traveling movies, the characters are frozen in a moment, but everything else around them keeps moving. (Talk about a run-on sentence! This post is going to be a beautiful mess, and I am not editing it.) Time seems to stand still, but at the same time, everything is moving so fast. As if time is running out, but all you can do is stand there, frozen in place. I think this is what psychologists often talk about. Dissociating. I do not believe in all of the psychological theories that I study, but sometimes I feel as though I am diagnosing myself. Not because I want to, but because I lack direction in my own life, and at the same time, I feel like something is always missing. I am always questioning the "why."

I am happy and I have a good life. I mean, I do not have any diseases, I am not suffering from death, I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and a family. So, why is it that I am always missing something? Why do we always want more when we already have plenty to be grateful for?

To be honest, I am not close to God, so that could be it. However, for some reason, I still find myself....empty even when I try to spend time with him. I haven't really been putting my time into it anymore. I feel lost. Confused and overall insanely lonely. I don't have any friends, and I don't have a man to lead me. I lack purpose, and I feel like I should be having kids like everyone else is. I feel behind. In school, in relationships, in friendships, in life, really.

If you were to ask me why I feel like quitting my relationship with God, I would say,

"At the end of the day I will die when my life is meant to come to an end. Nothing will prevent my death when it is my time to die. Nothing I would have done on earth would have mattered. Sure, maybe someone would miss me, but it's not like I am going to leave behind a legacy. I am not an actor, or a famous singer, I am no extraordinary painter, I am no thrill seeker that climbed Mount Everest, I am not a legendary wrestler, or an NBA player that broke records, and I am no significant woman. I am painfully average. No offense to God, but you made me average. I am not sure why, but you are in charge, I guess. I do not have nearly any ambition to achieve great things that people on earth have worked hard to achieve. I am not a young 5-year-old who knows all 200-something bones that are in the human body. YEAH, THERE'S A 5-YEAR-OLD THAT KNOWS ALL THE FUNCTIONS AND SCIENTIFIC NAMES FOR EVERY BONE IN OUR BODIES. What a smart kid. I ate mud when I was 5. I am not extraordinary, so it seems like a waste of a person. “

I am not that driven. I see myself as someone who takes up space. I have no great motivation for anything. I do not feel as though life is pulling me in the direction I am supposed to be in. It all feels so....pointless. I am not even a mature woman. I still act like a girl, and at the same time, I cannot physically or mentally change who I am. Trust me, I have tried in the past, and I am not paying $$$$$ for plastic surgery because I don't want cancer, and I do not want any part of me falling off. Besides, it never mattered what I looked like. Last year, I tried everything to keep my relationship together, and he still cheated on me regardless of what I did for him. He cheated with women who were even less attractive than me. It was not about me. It never was. It's hard for me to find worth in myself when no one else seems to. There was only one person I wanted that I wanted to be seen by, and that was him last year. I have changed my personality in the past too, but it never seems to make a difference. There will always be people who don't like you, so I stopped trying to change my personality a long time ago. You are either too immature, but then you aren't funny enough. Then you are too serious and uptight. Then you are too smart or too dumb. It really does not matter. Someone will always say the opposite. There is no point in changing your personality. The only result you will get from doing so is exhaustion within yourself and low self-esteem. I have been told a lot in my life that I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not mature enough, not goal-oriented enough, not this, not that, and blah blah blah. Guess what, more than half of these were said to me by men. Mmm, see why I do not like men so much eh? I have my reasons. The truth is, you will never be enough for someone who does not see your good qualities. Do not try to please them because the fact is that you never will. That is not on you. That is on them.

Back to my point on death. So, maybe one person or a couple of people miss me, but what will it matter? Obviously, they matter, but I'll be gone. It means nothing. I am just another person among billions on this earth. I am certainly not attractive enough to attract several men, either. Not that I would want to, but my point is that I'm not that significant. There are lots of people who probably have similar traits like mine. There are people who have better traits than I do and who are better people than I am. Nothing I own will go to my grave with me or go to heaven with me if heaven truly is real. In other words, I feel as though life does not have much meaning. You leave everything behind except supposedly your soul...

Someone once told me that how I think about life is depressing, and I mean, it is, to me. To me, life seems wasteful because we will die, and nothing will have mattered. The same someone told me that I am useful, I am important, it is like I create ripple effects in the world. One small action may seem small, but it does affect people, it does affect... time.. I guess? He said that if you throw a pebble in a body of water, the pebble creates ripple effects, which in turn lead to a chain reaction across the entire body of water. So, we do matter, but I feel empty still. I don't view life in the same way. I have become very pessimistic about living. If we are meant to enjoy life solely, is that not a little selfish? Or, are we meant to enjoy life while being responsible for ourselves and others? I mean, I know the answer. Life is a beautiful mess, and it brings several experiences. I often think it's weird that we are here. It is weird that we are here to enjoy it. I think it is selfless of whatever created us. It's mercy. So, maybe I am ungrateful for living.

The strangest part about the way I feel is the fact that I have had several encounters with "almost dying." For example, every time I drive my car in the city, I wonder if I will even make it back to my apartment. I have been given mercy. But why me? while so many people die every day around me, and they never get the chance to finish their lives? What about me allows the being above me to allow me to stay here, alive? What am I supposed to do? What am I meant for? I am not more worthy than anyone else. Why do I live while so many are dying for all kinds of reasons?

Like I said, I have a weird mind. It keeps me up at night just like it used to when I was younger. I drove my mom crazy when I was a kid because I never wanted to settle down. I was always busy.

Anyway, I feel like I don't exist. I am the character in the movie that stands still, frozen, in place, while everything else around me moves forward.

I don't know if I will ever be able to fix myself or if I will ever stop being afraid of living. I don't know if I will ever stop being afraid of dying, but at the same time, I am not scared. It is a complicated mindset that no one ever understands. I find it hard to communicate with people because they are not able to understand me or my depth when it comes to my own mind. I am afraid that no one will ever understand me, and I will share my life with no one. I think I may always be alone because maybe I am not meant to be with anyone. Maybe I will die before I ever get the chance to meet someone that I can share my life with.

Well, now I am going back to my apartment. Tomorrow I am going home because this week was stupid. My class schedule is a mess, that's all I can say. Never mind, my night just got better becauseee I saw a cute motorcycle man! :P

Byeeeeeee xoxo