Phone Notes

WARNING: Post may cover heavy or hard topics. Please read at your own discretion.

Have you ever wondered what people write in their notes on their phone?

Well... this is what some of my notes are. Welcome to my messy mind and a representation of my life. I am sure that people can relate to me. These notes are a reminder that everyone has secrets, or parts of their life that no one knows about. Maybe there are a few people who have been lucky enough to hear the depth of who you are as a person. Some people never feel comfortable with anyone to share what they truly feel. We should all be so lucky to share what we think.

If you want to share something from your notes anonymously or openly feel free to answer the google form down below and I will post some of those inner thoughts on my blog. You do NOT HAVE TO DO THIS, only if YOU WANT TO. It will remain anonymous if you want it to be.

Google Form Access Here:

https://forms.gle/w5SR7KMrkgmcJf3H6

I want this to be a place where people who feel lonely or people who feel that they are not able to share their complex thoughts, can get it out of their system. I know what it is like to be silenced during my lifetime. I want you to feel comfortable connecting with me and be comfortable sharing yourself if you want and need to be heard by someone.

Please keep in mind that I am not a licensed therapist, yet. I can only offer a listening ear or in this case a pair of eyes that will be able to read your messages. If you ever need assistance beyond what I can give you, then please check out my "Mental Health Resources" section on my website. Someone will always be there for you even if it does not always feel like it.

The goal of this post is for me to be completely honest and be open about my life, my thoughts, the brokenness I have felt throughout my life, and in general just the hardships I have faced. All of the sections I will write in this post come directly from my notes on my phone that I have carried around with me for years.

I find that human kind tends to talk about surface leveled conversations more than they do about anything real or anything of depth. I want to challenge those who hide in the dark to come to the light so that everyone can talk about something of depth that they may not be able to share with people in their daily lives.

My point is, I want to be heard sometimes too and if I can do so through my blog, then I would like to help other's feel heard too. I would like to give what I have wanted for years. Just to be heard and sometimes without judgement or criticism. We can all use constructive criticism but we also want to feel. We want to be cared about just like anyone else. All of us want love and we want to feel heard and respected at the same time.

Welcome to my life and my messy mind! This is me. I am who I am. These are some of my rawest notes I have ever written.

June 23rd, 2021

People wonder why girls don't like certain men. They get to do almost anything they want and they don't get punished for it. That's why women don't like certain men. They walk around as if they own the place and think it's okay to make you feel small and like you lose every single day you are in the presence of their being.

October 16, 2021

Pulled by The Current

Once again I am thrown at the current and pulled in deep. Only this time...it does not matter to me whether someone rescues me or not.

You cannot always have what you want, they say. Well, I learned that when I was young anyway. The pain gets easier to bare and the scars easier to carry. They say it's not your fault but it is. They say it's his. But, it takes two to tango. I was stupid enough to let myself get strangled. Once again I am thrown in the current and pulled in deep for the last time.

Trust

The thing about people is that when you finally learn to trust them and open up, they can rip you apart a second later. There's so much hate in this world and too little love. People like that disappoint me and the thing is that gets me the most is that they are sitting back in their chair laughing their asses off. As if it's so hilarious that they disappointed me. I am done playing games. I have had the same friends for years but were they ever my friends. They gossip about me and make up stories that aren't true. I am done being someone's toy. I am not here for your f*cking amusement! Just stop messing with me. There's so little real people. What's up with that?? People lie, cheat, steal, and so on. Why do we do it? Why do we do it to ourselves?

The crazier thing is that I am a villian in someone else's story. I am a lover in another. I am a friend, I am a liar, I am a bad friend in someone else's story. I am a heart breaker in another. I am someone's friend but they are not mine. Someone else may be my friend but I am not a friend to them. I guess we all are villians in the end.

It takes years to build up trust and it can take one single second to break it. Do you even realize how fragile trust truly is?

Motivational Anger?

I was mad at the way he answered me. The way he raised his voice for no reason. The way he raised his voice for a simple remark. A simple sentence. The way he doesn't listen. The way he does whatever he wants and takes control of every situation.

Passing

Sometimes the ones we love passes on. But, we have to keep treading on and be strong. Therefore, there's no more pain for those who have passed on.

Loss of Oxygen

I am not going to talk anymore

I am not going to share my voice

It's a cruel cruel world

I sing but no one hears me

I talk but no one listens

I dance but no one's watching

And, I fall but no one catches me

I am not going to talk anymore

I am not going to share my voice

I am not going to talk anymore

Because, there's no point

Sometimes I feel like I am dying or drowning in an endless sea. I can't breathe this toxic air.

The Truth (COVID)

Usually people don’t always talk about the bad times they face or well usually they don’t post it on social media. Some do but not everyone does. Well, tonight, I’m going to admit that I get pretty depressed sometimes. I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy or pity. I’m just saying that we all get depressed at some point and we all get sad. We all want someone to talk to. We all want someone that cares about us even though we may not act that way or show it. I just want to say that today. I’m depressed. I’m down because of the whole Covid thing. I’m down because I lost someone important to me this year. Not through death but through friendship. Although, I did also have two deaths this year of family members that I’m always going to miss and love. The thing about death is that you don’t always get to say goodbye and you don’t always expect it. You used to tell that person everything or do things with that person but now you can’t because they are gone. All that you have left of them is their possessions or the memories you shared together. They are gone physically but not spiritually or in soul. I get depressed because I don’t know what I want to pursue in my future. I was hoping that I would know what I wanted to do but I can honestly say that I don’t.

Pain....

It’s caused from many different things. Physical abuse, physical injuries, or other physical activities. It can be caused from family, friends, and other people in your life. A lot of mental and emotional pain comes from the human race. 

There are many reasons why people behave the way they do and why they say the things they do but it does not necessarily make it right for them to behave the way that they do. 

Everyone has been hurt by someone at least once in their lifetime. I’ve been called many things in my life but I know the truth. I know who I am. I know I’m not what some people say I am and that’s enough. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone because I know who I am. Sometimes I don’t know who I am but when people say things about me that isn’t true then I realize once again that I’m not who they say I am. They don’t know me. They don’t care about me otherwise they wouldn’t say and do things to hurt me because of their own ego and because of their feelings for things that I have in my life.

Don’t let anyone try to emotionally manipulate you and don’t let anyone manipulate you in general if you see it coming. It isn’t always easy to see when someone is about to hurt you but you can always pick up on a few signs or behaviour to know when someone does not actually care about you. 

Don’t let anyone make you feel less than what you are. You know the truth. You know who you are. Don’t let other people make up lies about you and don’t keep someone in your life because you think that you deserve to be treated that way. Don’t keep someone in your life because you feel bad for them. Don’t keep someone in your life that is dishonest, disrespects you, tries to guilt trip you, and someone that never benefits you when you need them but they expect you to benefit them, and don’t keep people in your life that constantly take and never give. 

Beautiful World 

The earth itself is such a beautiful place filled with corrupt human beings that are in charge of all the land.

The resources of the earth are meant for us but we destroy what we are given. 

No two trees are exactly the same. No two pieces of grass are exactly the same. No two human beings are exactly the same. It shows you how amazing the world is and how amazing God is. Nothing and no one is exactly the same. 

In the summer time all kinds of plants and flowers bloom. The sun shines bright in the daylight like a star that shows off radiant light at night. The grass is long and contains vibrant and dull green shades that are distributed throughout the land. When the lawn is cut all that you can smell is the fresh scent of wet grass. The brown trunks of the trees are filled with leaves from all shapes and sizes. 

December 7, 2021

What does it mean?

What does it mean to be happy?

What does it mean to love someone or to be loved by someone?

What does it mean to have all kinds of feelings that you don't understand?

How do you deal with it all? Can human beings really love someone for the rest of their life together?

Is it even possible?

How do they do it?

How do they know the difference between fact and false feelings they may have in certain situations?

Why is it so hard to love someone?

Why is it so complicated yet so simple?

How do you make your insecurities go away?

What do you do when you feel completely lost?

How do you make the thoughts stop?

How do you control what you feel, can you even control it?

January 12, 2022

I am just a human being.

I get hurt, I cry, I get jealous, I have doubts and insecurities.

Everything that happened in your past can change the way you think about people and the world.

August 27, 2022

Perfection

According to google the definition of perfections is…

But, you know what? Let’s be real honest here, there is no such thing as perfection. I believe that the only perfect thing in this entire world and universe is God and his son. No single materialistic item or human being is perfect. No animal is even perfect. But, it’s all perfect to God obviously. Even the worlds greatest and most advanced technology cannot be perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. And that’s perfectly okay.

For a while now I’ve been so angry. I’ve been angry at myself, the world, my family, other people around me, and everything in my life. As someone that struggles with my belief it makes it even easier for me to continue being angry. It’s such a hard feeling to describe. I’ve had such resentment against myself and everyone around me because I got sick of people being dishonest with me. I got tired of always trying to give the benefit of the doubt or to cave into my bad habits and my bad intentions. Sometimes I want to scream and punch a hole in the wall like in some of the movies. I’ve wanted to hurt someone else because I’m hurting so much myself. Of course, I know that all these things are wrong. When you stay angry for a while it takes control over you. My parents always tell me, you control your emotions, don’t let them control you. I also know that I may not always take my own advice but usually that’s how it works. Isn’t it? You give someone else advice but don’t follow your own advice.

And man! Recently I’ve been so tired of human beings because we cause so much destruction. I hate and then I love and then I hate and love again. It’s such an endless cycle. I’ve always wanted someone else to feel the pain I feel when they betray me and hurt me but half the time they do not care about what you think or say, or feel. Otherwise they wouldn’t hurt you. Would they? If it wasn’t on purpose it’s a different story. If they apologize and don’t make the same mistake again it’s a different story. My soul is so torn and I’m so scared of life. Scared of it ending. Scared of it turning me into the person I’m not supposed to be. Scared of never following the path I was meant to follow. Scared of…everything. I’m scared of love and choosing the wrong person to love. I’m scared of having kids in such a broken world. I’m scared of teaching my kids the ways of life and then making mistakes. Making the wrong decisions. This is as real as it gets.

January 2, 2023

You think drugs are cool, think again

You think it’s cool and fun until your friend is passed out on the couch and never wakes up again. It’s cool and fun until you are passed out on the couch and never wake up again. It’s cool and fun until you end up living on the streets because of all your money has gone to drugs. It’s cool and fun until you lose all the good people in your life because of your choices you make because of it. It’s cool and fun until you are in a knife fight with someone over a misunderstanding with your dealings. It’s cool and fun until you end up killing someone or yourself because of your irrational decisions. It’s cool and fun until you throw away everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve down the drain just for a short term high you want to feel again. A temporary little fix that never goes away. It always has you wanting more. It’s fun and cool until you realize you have a kid with someone random that you hooked up with for a one night stand. That child now grows up without a father or mother figure because of how inconsistent you are with your life and how you are unable to take care for them at any state of their lives. Now that child has to suffer the consequences you caused for them because of your choices and actions. The child doesn’t deserve it. It’s fun and cool until you end up becoming the person you never wanted to be in the first place. Don't destroy yourself for a high that will go away faster than you got it.

June 7, 2023

I’m about to be embarrassingly honest here and dive right into it. I’m not the most confident person ever and I have a bad habit of looking for approval from other people. I have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people continuously. I tell myself how much I suck compared to them. It is a cruel thing to do to myself. At least I can say that I’m not the only one that does this. Remember that just because someone doesn’t like you, date you, or that when you get rejected. It’s not always about you. It really depends on the situation but don’t ever feel like you aren’t good enough just because someone doesn’t want you. Don’t ever feel like you don’t look good enough just because someone else isn’t willing to see how worthy you are as a person aside from what you look like. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve felt so incredibly hopeless with how I am and how I look just because there are social standards that show how you are “supposed” to look. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve mentally and emotionally destroyed myself just because someone else didn’t want me. I always think it’s my fault but half the time it isn’t. I cannot be a “model” that is posted on social media or billboards. I cannot ever become like those people that look perfect from every inch of their body. No one real looks that perfect. I find it hard to workout and keep myself motivated to stay in the routine. I can be confident and I have my good days but everyday the world gets worse and the pressure/influence of those “societal” norms or standards becomes worse. I don’t write this for pity but I write this to remind you that you don’t have to look like any of those people you see on social media. Don’t sell yourself so short. I want to remind those too that if someone doesn’t think you are good enough for them in terms of looks then they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve you. Skin has texture and your body is beautiful. In the end, we will ALL grow old with wrinkly skin. If you love someone truly then you will love them when they are old and wrinkly. Otherwise, you are with them for the wrong reasons. We will all lose our youth so instead of worrying so much about everyone’s body, focus on your soul and helping other people. There are so many more important things to do/care about than someone else’s body. Easier said than done sometimes and I get that. There are too many temptations and there are too many bad influences to always turn away from. I, myself, am one of those people.

December 22, 2024

Humanity is like a candle. We start off as innocent and pure. Then, along the way we grow up and realize that this world has darkness in it. Sometimes we are pushed around (splatter paint on candle) and bruises form on our bodies and our hearts. Life uses us up and burns the life out of us until there’s nothing left. (Let candle wax be what’s left.

Ending line:

but, the positive piece of information I can give you is that you get to choose what to do with your candle. You can light up someone else’s life (light the candle)  or you can blow out their light with one easy breath. (Blow out the candle)

You either survive or you suffer.

June 15, 2025

I am not a primary colour but a mix of colours that create something beautiful. I am in the universe. I am in the grapes.

I am purple and my life is like the colour purple. It's passionate and broken. It's a storm and it's calm. It's everything all at once.

I am the leftovers that no one wants but also the food source for the animals that only can get leftovers.

I am the leftovers to people but basic survival to animals and creatures that need it the most. Not the main course not even the desert or the snack, but a leftover that get's thrown away. I am raging waves in a storm but I am also the calm when the storm is over.

I am purple. My life is purple. Not good, not bad. Everything and all the bits in between.

I am not a primary colour in anyone's life but at least I turn broken things into beautiful things that can be used again.